Ren And Stimpy Here Comes The Sun
by Dave J
Summary: Ren and Stimpy learn just how the sun came to be discovered!


Stimpy squints hard as he stares deeply into the sun. "Ren, what's that giant yellow ball floating above us everyday?"

"Come hither, my engorged friend, and I'll spin you a yarn from days long past." Ren responds as he places a large hand on Stimpy's humped spine. "This is the story of Captain General Hoek and his Chief Rear Admiral Stimpet The Third…" A flash back materializes around them…

"Captain General James Hoek was born a meager man from the quaint town of Lice'llvainia. The main vocation of the herdsman therein was chigger wrangling and ear wig shear-ary. But Captain General James Nate Hoek was not to be sullied by their tom shenanigans. He was destined for greater things. He'd think this to himself every night as he tucked into his beaver skin bed to dream of riches and glory."

"One night, he was visited by the three wise men… Larry, Moe, and Curly…

"Hey whaddaya lookin at ya pill bug?" Moe says as he squeezes himself into the small window of Captain Hoek's bed chamber.

"Who me?" Captain Hoek asks.

"Nah, your Aunt Gretchen. Of course I mean you! Aint you never seen three wise men in your bedroom at 3 am before?" Moe responds sharply.

"Forgive me for I have sinned… my liege!" Captain Hoek responds, bowing his head in respect.

"You hear that Moe? He called you a liege! Aint that what winter Olympic guys sled on?" Curly asks.

"That's a luge you polar brain!" Moe says slapping Curly in the face.

"Say, are you insulting me?" Curly asks indignantly.

"Nah, I'm insultin the both of you!" Moe says poking the other two wise men in the eyes. Turning back to captain Hoek, Moe says "Now then, it is your duty to discover the sun you never knew, you poor unfortunate creature. And to aid you in your misbegotten quest, here's an extra wise man we had lying around." Moe throws Admiral Stimpet at Captain Hoek.

"Who're you?" the Captain asks.

"I'm Stimpet The Third!" Stimpet responds. "And I'm here to be the eyes, ears, and colon of your quest!"

The wise men start to disappear, while uttering a warning message. "And remember, if you need anything at all, don't hesitate to bother someone else for it…" Moe says in a fading voice.

"Oh thank you for your kindness wise prophets!" Captain Hoek calls out "I won't forget you!"

"Nyuck nyuck nyuck!" Curly laughs as he vanishes.

"Morons." Moe answers back.

"So where do I go from here, oh wise prophet?" Captain Hoek asks.

"Hmm… Oh yeah! Switzerland!" Stimpet responds.

"Why Switzerland?" Captain Hoek asks.

"Which one of us is the legendary wise man, and which one of us is the penniless dirt farmer?" Stimpet asks back.

"You're right. I should've known better then to question you, oh swollen one." Captain Hoek answers.

"Atta boy!" Stimpet says. And with that, the two of them head for the great canyons of Switzerland… by departing in the complete opposite direction. Three years later, they arrive at their destination, bloated, and riddled with canker sores.

"Prophet Stimpet." An exhausted Captain Hoek pants out "We have traveled many moons, our yaks are hot and crusty, have we at last arrived at our goal?"

Stimpet places a finger squarely up his nose, and begins to think out loud "Hmm… and hmm again! Judging from the temperature of my brain, I'd say yes, we have indeed arrived!" With that, the two hero's are welcomed by the bearded queen of Switzerland.

"Hiya! Welcome to my country! I hope you find your stay obnoxious and memorable!" She bellows.

"We are honored to drop our britches in respect of you, your royal heiny-ness." Captain Hoek states fondly. "Me and my fat compatriot are travelers on a quest to discover something called "the sun", and we were advised to journey to your large and impoverished nation for counsel."

"Ahh! The sun is easy to find, come, I will induct you into our military's space program!" With that, the unshaven queen picks the brave explorers up in her veiny arms, and hurls them into the stratosphere.

As the two wildly scream for dear life, careening ever closer to the sun, Stimpet The Third remembers a key detail "Duh, oh yeah! You weren't s'posed to discover the sun! You were s'posed to discover **your son**! The wise men sent me hear to remind you to marry a beautiful super model and live out your life in happiness!"

With that, Captain Hoek's anger blazes and he lets fly a string of insults aimed at Stimpet's general direction. "You fat, toothless, ignoramous! You moronic hairball! You buffoon!" He punctuates this by slapping Stimpet repeatedly, until the two disappear into the sun and are burned alive.

We then flash forward to Ren and Stimpy who are still gazing up at the sun and reflecting. "In honor of their bravery in the face of certain stupidity, the Royal Marmoset Duke of Switzerland knighted them Captain General James Nate Sally Sue Hoek, and Chief Rear Admiral Stimpet The Third. So does that answer your question Stimpy?"

"Not a bit Ren!" Stimpy smiles absent-mindedly.

"I didn't think so you idiot." Ren responds happily. "Now come on, I'll let you make my dinner."

"Joy!" Stimpy calls out as the two of them turn around to reveal their pupils, which are now scorched beyond recognition, and they head into their house.

The End


End file.
